What You Wouldn't Do

Damn. Got an e-mail this morning from SLU’s HR department. The administrative assistant position I applied for was given to another candidate. Apparently their skills are better suited for the job, so now I have to figure out what about my experience doesn’t translate into making copies and stapling things. I won’t name the name because I haven’t asked for permission, but another laid off friend of mine texted me yesterday after a job interview. Not only did the interviewer say he was overqualified for her position, apparently, the potential employer also thought he might be too expensive for them.

Well, um, thanks, assholes. Tell me, did you bother reading his resume before calling him in for the interview? Because, you know, that would have saved a hell of a lot of time and effort on his part. As if 639,00 new jobless claims weren't enough (that's over 12 million U.S. workers currently unemployed), now you’re just adding insult on top of injury.that

The lesson here is not to be smart or capable or need a salary, because you'll never work again.

I could really use a job right now. There’s so much crap I’m willing to put up with for a paycheck, it’s ridiculous. I’ll even put up with co-workers who say “don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” What is that? What does that mean? How do they know what I wouldn’t do? How do they know that I know what they wouldn’t do? It’s such a silly phrase and I vote for it to be stricken from the English language. And, you know, all other languages where it appears as a phrase, although I have a hard time believing that it does.

And why is it always the most boring people who say that? I’d be walking out of the office on a Friday afternoon and the woman who owned a million cat figurines would say “don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Lady, my drive to work included doing about fourteen things you wouldn’t do, what the hell are you talking about?

Back in my single and whorish days, it got to the point where I cringed when someone said it. I was never a true deviant or anything; there are no gimp masks in my closet for old time’s sake. But when you’re going out nearly every night and not crawling home until after sunrise and forget what hangovers feel like because you have so damn many of them? And your proficiency in public relations is partially due to kindly kicking people out of your bed so you can get some sleep? Yeah. There’s not a lot of things I won’t do, ma’am, so what are your qualifications?

I'm thinking about changing my cover letter to something like that (not really). Who knows, at this point it might be more successful than the professional letters I've been writing.

Dear Recruiter,

Hello there. While most of the candidates for your position are likely operating with a standard-issue, possible paid-for cover letter and resume, you'd better believe I'm writing this thing from scratch. Yeah, that's right, I'm an original. It's how I roll.

My background includes nearly ten years of being treated like absolute crap by everyone from customers to clients to management. This would deter a normal human being, but I am not normal. I am damn near superhuman in my ability to absorb yours and anyone else's wrath without ever resorting to workplace violence or sabotage. I'm also familiar with standard MS Office applications, professional communication, and office responsibilities that a monkey wearing pants could perform just fine.

Due to my experience in the service industry, I'm also comfortable with running errands, doing bitch work, and just about anything else you feel you require. It's not my chosen career path, but let's be honest: I don't have a degree and I'm kind of desperate. I'll write your e-mails, praise your family photos, and hide your drug use from upper management. Seriously, I don't care.

Although I will take nearly any position, please do not insult me or my work ethic by offering a pay that is only slightly above minimum wage. Also, if you actually represent a staffing agency or resume service, please do the world a favor and set yourself on fire. Then jump off a cliff. Just to be safe, swallow a few cyanide capsules beforehand.

My resume is attached. Please don't hesitate to contact me, even if it's on a Sunday or in the middle of the night.

Sincerely,

Me